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Cashing in on cashew’s unwavering attitude

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cashew nuts

cashew nuts

James Jackson

James Jackson

cashew nuts

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Cashews are hardcore. You are not. However, following the way of the cashew could make you at least 12% cooler than you already are. The first step of becoming an edgy dude (or dudette) is by being intimidating.

Now this is very easily accomplished by doing what a cashew would do, cover itself in a toxic shell to repel all happy critters. While you may not have a phenolic resin at your disposal, your searingly cold attitude can make up for it. Simply never smile, cut in front of people in line, slam your locker, and listen to bands that hate the world. The main objective is to keep all benevolent ideas and things away from you, so feel free to take any means necessary to accomplish this task.

Step number two is to acquire an entourage of sorts. This step is extremely important, as you must find at least two people to follow you around at all costs. They must also be very sweet and frail. The entourage of the cashew is utterly needed for the cashew’s reputation as the most hardcore seed. Cashew’s hang off the bottom of a luscious apple that has very fragile skin. The people of Brazil and other parts of South America love these apples. But no one else does. If the cashew never found its apple entourage, you can bet that this crazy nut would not be as revered as it is today as the world’s most inexorable seed.

Third, one must be confident. Do not take any crap from anyone. The cashew refuses to yield to the humble nut collectors of Brazil, Nigeria, India, and Vietnam. Cashew collectors must roast the cashews outdoors and risk breathing in the vapors of the toxic oils from the shells, which can cause serious irritation in the lungs. If anyone messes with you, simply roast them like a cashew, and let your words act as the vaporizing phenolic resin to irritate their mind and cause them to have trouble breathing.

The last, and most important step, eat cashews. After all, you are what you eat, and the only way to truly become the hardcore person you aspire to be is to eat the little beauties. The allure of eating a poison covered seed will be too much for people to handle and you will officially become a ‘cool cat’. Cashews have 6.68 mg of iron and 2.22 mg of copper. That means you are technically eating an element. What’s more metal than that? The answer is nothing.

If people still doubt your hardcoreness, remind them that if you consume too many of these toe shaped morsels, kidney stones are on the way. You have the self-control that others do not– and that itself is hardcore.

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Cashing in on cashew’s unwavering attitude