Ask Anything: the Wind-Up Advice Column by Ben Williams
Ben Williams
Q: How to be awesome?
Ben: Be yourself. Just kidding, that’s so lame. Be just like Macho Man Randy Savage. You might not be awesome, but he is. Without the racism of course.
Q: How to be Ben Williams?
Ben: If you’re asking this question, you are already not cut out for it. Sorry bud, try again next year.
Q: Would you rather have a cat with razor sharp knives for claws, or a dog with a metal bas as a tail?
Ben: I’m gonna have to go with the metal bat tail on this one, just purely because I think it would add a lot of excitement to my life. Taking the dog for a walk and he sees a squirrel, gets excited and just kneecaps me several times. It would be funny. Cats already have claws so that’s boring.
Q: How do I get my teachers to stop bullying me?
Ben: Bully them back. Call them names and follow them into the bathroom for a quick swirly. But for a real answer, if you think you’re actually being bullied by a staff member, document it and report them immediately. As a student you do have rights and you should exercise them. But if it’s just them getting mad at you for not doing your work then, yeah, the swirly method is where it’s at.
Q: Hey Ben, why are you like that?
Ben: It’s the German in me. Sorry.
Q: Don’t ever work at Subway.
Ben: Now this one wasn’t a question, but I think this person had a warning for all of us to see. Thought I should share.
Q: How to get back on your parents good side?
Ben: This is something I have a lot of experience in. When you’re in trouble with the ‘rents, my advice is to keep your head down, follow instructions, and whatever you do, don’t ask them how long you are in trouble or grounded for. Asking for a time window is always going to hurt you more than it will help. Go to the store, get Ma some flowers, and get Pa a new pair of work gloves. Before you know it, you’re back on their good side.
Q: What´s Love?
Ben: Love is when you can poop and leave the door open with someone. That’s it.
Q: Do you like golf?
Ben: No.
Q: How do you convince people that guns are not bad?
Ben: Threaten them with your gun.
Q: Advice on how to do taxes?
Ben: Don’t. Taxes are a social construct. Only plants and the earth and popsicles are real.
Q: How to throw a party at your house?
Ben: I wouldn’t know anything about parties or throwing them, seeing as I have never attended or ever been near a party. Parties are lame anyways, go study and play with your dog.
Q: How do I clean out the earwax from my AirPods?
Ben: I’ve heard boiling them works.
photo by leyla dumke