The real war by the shore

The dainty town of St. Joseph is invaded every summer by what some may call FIPS. FIPS (Fricking* Illinois People) or the newly adapted term FISH (Fricking* Illinois Poop* Heads) are acronyms that have been used to describe this invasive species since the beginning of time. 

Powerless, St. Joe will continue to be overrun unless we take a stand, so I have taken initiative by pitching an idea to the city council. It’s called the “The Real War by the Shore.” It will begin next summer and include barricades, snipers, specially trained militia, tanks, and A-10 war hogs. The battle will be legendary. FIPS will be no more, and our town will return to its former glory. My plan will be up for vote October 7, so vote yes to slaughter some FIPS. St. Joeians are fed up with these leech-like creatures. Here are some locals opinions on FIPS: Cameron Schmitt, 11, said this when asked about FIPS: “*weird growling noise* quite frankly, if I saw them crossing the street, I would close my eyes and speed up.” 

Bella Finnigan, 12, commented “God, don’t even get me started. I work downtown and every time one of those FIPS asks for an ice cream it causes me to build up this intense rage that I store in the depths of my soul. I will fight like General Custer did in his final stand; FIPS will be no more.” As you can see, FIPS are not welcome in the city of St Joseph. Battle plans and strategies are still being debated and discussed among city hall members, but I will tell you this, there WILL be tanks, and it will be epic. So be ready St Joe: all hands on deck for the real War by the Shore coming this summer.