Fake new briefs

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LOCAL

SJHS GOTHS CLAIM FALL

Goths officially announce fall as their season. The last day of fall is December 21, and with football season winding down, the latter half of fall means it’s time to break out your chokers, fishnets, hatred and fear of dying alone in your small town, white makeup, oversized gages, and terrible Evanescence songs from 2006 to show your seasonal spirit. 

VAPE BAN OVERTURNED 

After the banning of flavored vapes and e-liquids took effect fewer than three weeks ago, the ban has already been overturned. There were many vapists turning to traditional cigarettes, causing state senators’ houses to smell of Marlboros and Camels. Senator Peter Beter (I) said, “The other senators, including myself, are sick and tired of our kids stinking up the house with their smells of smoke and tobacco. I didn’t mind the mango, but the cigarettes are just too much.” These strong smells and frustrations led to the overturn of the ban.

NATIONAL

TRUMP PURCHASES CNN

On October 29, Donald Trump purchased Turner Broadcasting System, the parent company of CNN. In a recent tweet he said, “Well, since they always talk about me all the time anyway, I figured I’d buy it and do what the people want–make it all about me.” The website will relaunch on November first under the URL DJT.com.” More details to come as the story develops.

INTERNATIONAL

XXX TO RELEASE SECOND POSTHUMOUS ALBUM

The yet untitled album has drawn much attention, being XXXTentacion’s second album following his 2018 death. His mother, Cleopatra Bernard, acts as his current manager. When asked about the large amount of merch, deluxe edition releases of old albums, and new music being pushed out, she said, “Well, I like money. And it’s not exploiting a death if it makes money.”