Pooping in school

It happens to the best of us: sitting in the stall trying to mask your grunts and splashing of toilet water while others lurk the bathroom. To many this may be the sole deterrent towards doing your business at school, but it doesn’t have to be. The reality of it is that making as much noise as possible while doing your business fully asserts yourself as an alpha of the school.

Take, for example, the massive fecal matter in the boys lunchroom bathroom last year. That is exactly what to do. That man went in there and decided to drop something comparable to a full grown weasel. The pure courage and strength required to do something so brave put that person at the top of the school food chain for a solid week. His one mistake was not revealing his identity; I admire the humility though.

graphics by sky stockton

So the second most important thing to do after dropping bombs is grunting. Grunt as loud as humanly possible, make it so the whole hallway knows what is going down. Heck, even let out a scream if you’re really feeling it, you can’t go wrong. The more noise, the better off you will be.

“I literally scream every time I’m doing my business. The ladies love it,” an anonymous student, 11, said.

“I literally scream every time I’m doing my business. The ladies love it.”

In modern times, school is set up as a hierarchy. If you have any hope of even touching the top of that hierarchy, you must follow what I just said exactly. I wish you luck.