How to Win Easter 2024

I’m sure just by reading this title you're thinking, How can you win Easter? As we all know Easter is a holiday catered to children with fictional characters, bubbles, egg hunts, and candy. The goal is for those things to make kids happy, right? Wrong. I did some experimenting over the past years on the ultimate ways to win easter. That's why I’m here to tell you the steps you need to take to absolutely destroy Easter next year.

The first thing requires time and planning. That is why you need this guide now so you can prepare for next year. A man on the inside of the easter bunny business is needed. If you can’t get that, use craigslist. You just need someone in an easter bunny costume or someone who has one. Once you've obtained the man, you’re on your way to dominating easter.

Next, you need to win the family egg hunt. You will use the same man as before to hide the eggs and tell you exactly where they are. Now, you could just use pure speed and about ten energy drinks to find the eggs. However, this is a guaranteed way of success. Then you collect every egg as fast as possible, crushing every child's hopes and dreams. Great job soldier. 

Your next step is to create the ultimate easter basket for yourself. This will just show them that you will always be the favorite. You can put whatever you’d like in there: candy, socks, a new iphone, the list is infinite. Just make them jealous.

The next one is the deal sealer. It’s easy but effective. Basically every kid gets bubbles in their easter basket and if they don’t, that's your job to make sure they all get one. Next, you get old plastic water bottles because you know, reduce, reuse, recycle. Then you dump all of the bubble solution in the bottles to keep later for your own enjoyment and bubble making experience. You then simply fill up each bubble wand with water. Finally, you can sit back and watch. Congrats soldier, you’ve just won easter. Now, eat some chocolate, blow some bubbles, you've earned it.