Swipe deals this Black Friday
If you're like me and have never been Black Friday shopping, but want to experience it for the very first time, this is the guide to read. Follow along as I find the best strategies to get good deals (and maybe a fight or two in… though, I don’t condone fighting) as I prepare you for your first time in the ring.
First, you will need black belt level training in martial arts, which I have, if you don’t, I suggest you head down to the YMCA for some training. If you don’t want any training, A simple elbow strike to the shoulder will work—you can find a tutorial on Youtube. It's quick, effective, and will temporarily stun your enemy, so they can’t pick up any items you want.
Another important thing to note is you don’t want to go with a group. Instead, be your own leader and alpha. Don't lead around a pack of new friends you met in the store. I realize that some of you may not want to get into a fight, so don’t fret. I have other options. One, set up a distraction. This could be anything that will lead the crowds in a different direction from the way you want to go. I suggest yelling, “There is an imposter among aisle number [insert aisle number here!].” Everyone will be so scared that they will scurry away.
Option two will only work on little children, who, as you know, can be the most annoying Black Friday shoppers of all. They’re lowballers that give their parents the silent treatment when they don’t get their way. If there’s a child in your way, turn around, cross your arms, and give them the silent treatment back.
Children tend to not understand things, so they will probably start crying… hopefully. During this time, it’s crucial for you to run back and get the items you wanted. However, keep in mind that if their parents are nearby, you have a very limited time to get away, but if they’re busy getting some good deals, you have more time.
“The first time I went [Black Friday shopping] I was very young, about eight or nine. All I remember is getting a lot toys and of course I was super happy,” Savannah Brown, 11, said. This is what happens when nobody gives children the silent treatment.
Finally, I‘d suggest all of you beginners get geared up. Helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, shin guards (kids kick... hard). You can politely “borrow” all of these things from your local skaters, bikers, and soccer players, though I don’t condone stealing. Now that you have all of the information you need for your first time Black Friday shopping, you are ready for the fight.
Hopefully, I'll see you in the ring on Black Friday, elbow-striking some strangers, but for those who just skimmed this guide, I leave you with a summary of the most important information: train at the YMCA, be an independent alpha, set a distraction, and do not interact with children unless absolutely necessary.